Bullshit

Some stupid company named this site as a "an essential part of our resources" to "teach our readers," and even provides a picture of the "award" so I can link back to their site. The site is just another garbage pile trying to lure people from search engines to sign up for "online degree" programs in criminal justice.

I don't make any money from writing here. I turned down a job writing for a well known mainstream police website, one I consider a true resource. So, you can understand why I'm a little pissy that some slacker douche bags out there want to make a dime off the backs and good names of police bloggers.

If you're considering signing up for an online program...don't. Go to a real school, one that has a physical classroom. I guarantee you a leg up on the chuckle head who downloaded his "Bachelor's Degree" off the Internet.

God guy

The good Christian came in today to file a complaint against me.

He admits to making the statements, but it turns out, he didn't mean it. Plus, he's a good Christian.

Stand by for emergency traffic

Poor planning on your part (locked your keys in your car and you're late for a salon appointment) doesn't necessarily constitute an emergency on my part("Hello, 911? Yes this is an emergency, damnit!").

Just so we're clear

I'm not a dummy. I didn't "settle" for this job. I'm more educated than most people I deal with on a daily basis. In fact, I took part in an Ivy League University research study for children with well above average intelligence. So please, don't look down your nose at me. I chose this job.

I say that to say this - Don't lie to me. I'm going to find out and you won't like the repercussions. See, while I'm asking you questions, my mind is going a million miles a minute. Not only am I playing a game of mind chess, I'm watching your body's natural reaction to questions and answers. You don't even realize you're doing it, but you're body is telling me what I want to know. Add in the fact that I already know most of the questions I'm asking or have the ability to find the answers from a trusted source.

After all that, if you still want to play the game, by all means swing for the fences. Just know that I equate honesty and humility with leniency. Cockiness and deceit? Well just ask the guy sitting in lockup who forfeited his bosses vehicle and I assume his job not to mention his heap of legal fees.

You know, just so we're clear.

Help me to help you

Dispatch is on the air sending multiple units to what they can gather is some form of disturbance. It's difficult to understand the woman screaming bloody murder on the telephone.

Based on what the officer in dispatch is hearing, responding units are told to "step it up." Officers are racing from all over, urgently trying to get to the scene. The first unit arrives and tells other units to "slow it down." Things aren't as bad as we feared, and officers back off the throttle.

Multiple units are on scene now, and everyone else is cancelled. A female attack victim is crying, make-up streaming down her face. Her boyfriend struck her and threatened to kill her before fleeing. She doesn't have any marks on her face and can't won't remember what her boyfriend looks like. She loves him and doesn't want him arrested. She refuses to give a statement.

Officers clear to take other calls that were put on the back burner for this priority call. A priority call that the victim didn't want help with, but called 911 anyway.

If you're not interested in cooperating with us, don't call us. Deal with it yourself and stop wasting our time, there are folks out there that really do want our help.

Back seat driver

I've been pretty honest in the past when I've talked about how for the most part, I let a driver's attitude dictate their punishment on traffic stops. This memorandum serves to notify you I that the attitudes of your passengers may now dictate your punishment.

Last week I stopped a mother and daughter duo for driving the wrong way on a one way street. The driver (daughter) was polite, answered my questions, and asked my permission to get out of the car to retrieve her purse from the trunk. The passenger (mother) was a bitch on wheels. Snide remark after snide remark was sent my way as I conversed with her daughter. They went ignored, but not unnoticed.

The daughter was from out of state and unfamiliar with the area. I took that and her cooperative attitude into consideration and opted for a written warning and an offer for directions. This wasn't acceptable to mom.

"Officer! My daughter just flew in today. She doesn't know the area. I received bad news today and I don't have the patience for this. This is ridiculous!"

"Lady, one-way signs look the same in Florida as they do here. I know. I've been to Florida. Receiving bad news does not give you a free pass to disobey motor vehicle law. Regardless, your daughter got a warn..."

"Don't you have anything better to do?"

"You're right. (To the daughter) Go ahead and give me that warning back. I'll issue you some tickets instead."

"Mom, shut up already! Jesus Christ!"

"(To the mother)Are you done?"

I took the fact that she wouldn't make eye contact with me to mean she was finished. I gave the directions to the daughter to get her back on track and cleared.

Drivers - I'm making it your responsibility to tell your passengers to keep their mouths shut. The faster I can get my questions answered, the faster I can get your information, the faster I can decide my action, and the faster you are back on the road. Trust me, you will not offend nor hurt my feelings by looking at a passenger and telling them to "Shut the fuck up." In fact, I'll probably respect you more for it.

Passengers - Your driver may put up with your bullshit backseat driving on the the road, but I will not have you interfering in my traffic stop or investigation. You've been warned.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Dear lady suffering from either severe PMS or menopause,

Thank you for the 15 minute argument about how I'm not doing my job, how your taxes pay my meager salary, and how it's my job to see that you're satisfied. My favorite part was when I told you that action, or inaction was taken based on my discretion and you answered so smartly - "What's discretion?"

Please accept my not so sincere apology for laughing aloud in your face only further angering you. Know that not only am I quaking in my boots about your threat to file a complaint against me, but I'll lose lots of sleep over it as well.

Sincerely,

The cop who doesn't know how to do his job properly.

Dear comedian - An open letter

Dear comedian(I use that word loosely),

You may think you've got what it takes to win the next "Last comic standing," but trust me your jokes are neither original nor funny. Believe me when I tell you that if I had a nickel for every time I walked into a business or past someone on the sidewalk and heard "I didn't do it," I'd retire today. Apparently my dirty looks and insulting quips have done little to deter you from making such lame jokes.

This letter serves as a notice that such stupidity will no longer go unpunished. Just ask the woman who flagged me down today. I stopped my car, expecting to find a person in need. Instead, I got "This is her officer. She's the one you want." These ladies thought it was funny to waste my time. They didn't, however, think it funny when I took their "joke" as information regarding a possibly wanted person. I don't even remember a smile(aside from my own) when I took their identification and ran them through local and national databases for warrant checks. That's 15 minutes of their lives they'll never get back.

So Mr./Mrs. comedian, you have been warned.

Sincerely,

A cop and fan of REAL comedy

Dreams

The nightmares are back. They come and go and I'm told are normal. They differ slightly, but always follow the same theme - I never have enough bullets, my gun doesn't fire, my duty belt weighs 400 pounds, I'm hitting the target without any effect, my boots are made of concrete, my radio doesn't work...The list goes on and on.

Attention grabber

There are a multitude of ways to "flag down" or get an officer's attention.

First, the good:

• Waving your arms to a passing cruiser is acceptable, especially in emergent circumstances.
• Saying "Excuse me" is also okay.
• A quick wave isn't bad, but really ineffective. Normally I'll give you a quick wave back and keep going.

Now the bad:

• Whistle at me like I'm your dog and I'm ignoring you.
• Shouting "Aye, Yo!" is going to get you ignored as well.
• Finally, blaring your horn at me as I pass you in the opposite direction will only get you cursed at.

If I do happen to give you my attention after being so rude, don't be surprised when I'm not thrilled to give you directions. The World does not revolve around you and doesn't have any plans in the foreseeable future to start you asshole.

Don't insult my intelligence

Honesty goes a long way in my book and as such can often be rewarded. For example, if I initiate a traffic stop and ask the driver if they knew why I pulled them over, their honesty can earn them a verbal or written warning. This is of course, dependant on the crime. Obviously I'm not going to verbally warn a driver I stopped for suspected DUI. "Honesty is the best policy" also works outside the traffic stop.

Frequently, I'll ask questions of suspects that I already know the answer to in order to gauge their honesty. Recently I responded to a call of someone trespassing. In and of itself, not a huge deal, right? Well, a guy matching the description takes off in front of me and I give chase on foot. He quickly gives up and my body is grateful. I really don't like to run. Anyway, another unit arrives and I've got the guy cuffed and I'm starting my search while I'm asking him questions. I tell him to be honest with me. During this conversation, he lies like a bed.

• "I'm not the guy you're looking for." Funny, you match every single descriptor given.
• "My name is Greg Smith." Well, your first name is Greg, but every piece of ID in your wallet says your last name is otherwise.
• "I don't use narcotics." Hmm, you've got a prescription for Methadone in your pocket.
• "I've never been arrested. " The rap sheet I just printed in the office says you have.

So, since he clearly demonstrated that he wasn't honest and certainly wasn't apologetic, he got charged with everything. Had he been honest from the get go, I would have given him a warning and completed some documenting paperwork just in case it occurred again. Honestly.

Sleep

I hate mids. It's funny how you take something like a good night's sleep for granted until your whole sleep schedule and pattern is turned upside down. Getting a good night's rest, or in this case day's rest while on midnights is comparable to sex in some cases. Take two days ago for instance. I slept 9 and a half hours straight and when I woke up my first thought was "Oh man, that was good." You may laugh or scratch your head in puzzlement, but people that have worked overnights know what's up.

Adding to the depart from the body's sleep pattern is the boredom. If we get 3 calls a shift, we're busy. A officer can't even be proactive, because there isn't anything even moving after 1 AM. Last night I took a report from a guy in a nursing home who had close to $300 stolen. I'm familiar with this guy because this is probably the third or fourth theft of cash report I've taken from the guy. I think he probably has 10 or 12 reports for thefts department-wide. At first I felt for the guy. He's 80+ years old and still has his wits about him. Well, most of his wits. Common sense checked out a while ago. Despite only leaving the home once or twice a week tops, he insists on keeping hundreds of dollars in cash in his room. He has the opportunity to lock the money up in a safe at the home and refuses. He's been told to keep the money in his bank and use the ATM machine on site when he needs cash. Nope, he always leaves it in the same spot too - the top drawer of his dresser. Talk about easy pickings.

So here I am, yawning in this guy's face because I'm tired, I'm bored, and I've got the shits of telling the fucking guy to stop leaving so much cash in his dresser. He's blabbering on and on about how he's tired of his money being stolen and I'm staring off into space thinking how nice it'll be to pile on those blankets and get some of that orgasmic sleep when I get home.

A few tips for drivers

1) High beams don't work in fog. The water vapor in the air reflects the light back at you, making it even MORE difficult to see than just using your headlights.

2) Speaking of high beams, it is against the law to not dim them when traffic is approaching from the opposite direction.

3) Finally, if, when walking out of your house, you notice the pavement is slippery, but don't see any ice buildup, it is safe to assume that the same black ice is present on the roadway. You deserve to roll your car if you're driving 15 mph over the speed limit in black ice conditions. Hopefully, you won't take out any innocent people who do recognize the danger and are driving carefully.

Listen, numbnuts -

You're not smarter than me. Even if I were hung over and half asleep, you still wouldn't outsmart me. So why try?

Don't tell me you haven't been drinking when you smell like you fell into a vat while on the Anheuser-Bush tour. If that weren't clue enough, the half empty beer by your side and 4 cold ones in the bag next to that pretty much give you away.

Don't tell me you haven't been arrested when you know you have. I can check these things out, dipshit! By the way, your suspended license usually doesn't exude innocence.

Thanks for telling me that your hand is "busted." No, I'm not taking the handcuffs off. Yes, I will try to make sure that I don't close it in the car door when I shut it.

It's fine that you don't want me to put a seat belt on you. My department doesn't have a policy on that. However, you give up your right to bitch, whine, or cry when you get waffled because I have to stop short.

Don't ask me to cut you a break after looking me in the eye and lying to my face. I gave you the opportunity to take some responsibility and be a man. You blew it and that's not my fault. I will not coddle you. I don't owe you anything.

Finally, you're 45 years old. Sobbing like a baby isn't going to get you anything except covered in your own snot. It's hard to wipe your nose when your hands are cuffed behind you back. I don't care that your girlfriend is a bitch and this is somehow her fault. I don't care that you just lost your job. I don't care that you don't have the cash to pay the fines and you won't show up in court, resulting in a warrant for your arrest. I'm not doing this to spite you. I'm doing my job. I didn't make you take a swing at that woman. It wasn't me who got you drunk in public. I didn't lie to the cops.

You made your bed pal - Now you lay in it.