Every story needs an ending

I've moved on from writing about my life. I guess it's only fair to the few who actually were interested in my stories to close the chapter properly. I've been thinking about doing this for a while but, life seems to get in the way of things that rate less important then others. You know how it is.

I still work for the same department. A lot of smaller changes have come about and in a lot of ways it's a better place then it was just a few years ago. Of course, it's not without it's problems. There are still things that bother me tremendously that could be solved with something as simple as terminating an incompetent, uncaring, vindictive, unstable employee. I'm told there's paperwork in to do just that in this case. I don't know how valid that is, I only hear back channel chatter. The relationship and trust between the patrolmen and the supervisors still isn't there. It's a slight bit better, but still severely lacking.

About a year and a half ago I was rushed to the emergency room by ambulance for what I thought was a heart attack. A thousand tests later and multiple visits to multiple specialists offices and I was told I experienced a panic attack. Not a run of the mill panic attack, but a 10 on a scale of 10, terror driven, heart racing, shock inducing incident. All the years of acute stress, constant shifts of hyper-awareness, and general unhappiness had caught up with me and manifested itself in the only way my body could figure out how to deal with it - anxiety. I can't begin to tell you how upsetting and scary that time in my life was. I've never dealt with anxiety in this fashion and I didn't want to be forced out of my job and be a pill popping zombie.

I was lucky enough to find a great doctor nearby who had worked for a number of years with the state police hostage negotiators and tactical units. He knows what police work is, the dirty underbelly of society that people pretend doesn't exist. I'm thankful to have met him and continue to see him periodically. With his help I was able to get a good hold on the anxiety, and all without taking a single medication. Aside from a few close friends at work, they don't know my issue and my doctor has promised me he'll keep it that way.

I also don't think I would've been able to do it without the love and support of my wife. Yeah, I didn't see that coming either, haha. But she's the woman of my dreams and the best thing to ever happen to me. I won't go into too much about her, since I need to protect her identity here as well.

So that's basically it. Hopefully that gives you some closure if you've been reading all these years and still care. So, as I ride off into the sunset, I'll leave you with this: Treat each other well, enjoy the little things in life, and be thankful for what you have, every single day.

All the best,

~Moe

Social misfit

Before I went to college, I was the shy kid who pretty much kept to himself. Once in college, I came out of my shell. After a while of being on the job, I began developing social anxiety. I couldn't be in a crowded area and I was constantly on high alert. Lucky for me, with the help of some patient and understanding friends, I conquered that.

Now, I'm whatever the opposite of a social butterfly is, while the majority of my friends are friendly and approachable. I'm just the quiet guy who doesn't say much. People pick up on it and some have commented that I'm "weird." So, I distance myself from the group, which earns more "weird" comments, which makes me withdraw myself further. It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could get over my mistrust and skepticism of people so I didn't have to feel alone when surrounded by people.

National Police Week

National Police Week began today. Thank a cop for their service and take a moment to remember those who gave their lives to protect yours.

NLEOMF
ODMP

Close yet far

Complacency is a daily struggle.

"Sounds like fun"

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Bah, humbug

How'd they get my picture? Christmas isn't what it used to be. I haven't seen anything but people acting selfishly and in the direct opposite of what this season is supposed to be about. There's no love or understanding; just assholes. Couple that with this week which has been an absolute nightmare on a personal level and I just want this damn year to end already. Bah humbug.

Vicarious trauma

I went to a CIT refresher class this week. It's been about 6 years since I completed the 40 hour certification course. Back then, the focus was all about helping cops deal with the mentally ill and suicide by cop scenarios. A lot has changed since then.

This weeks conference was about veterans and PTSD and vicarious trauma. I'd never heard of vicarious trauma before, but it apparently is a budding topic among those involved in the treatment of child trauma and those who treat cops.

As weird as it sounds, I felt like the speakers were talking directly to me. During the lectures, I kept looking around the room at the sea of faces to see if they were focused on me, nervous they had all somehow known of the struggles I've been dealing with as of late.

The final speaker ended her presentation saying that for whatever reason, cops feel like they can't show emotion or weakness, even when they're breaking inside. Society expects them to shoulder the burdens of horrific crime scenes and terribly traumatic calls, all while being professional and in control. Theres a negative stigma attached to those who falter, assigned by both the departments and co-workers, as if the problem is with the officer, instead of the job itself. She said that not a single mental health worker views the officer as weak for seeking help and they're trying to get rid of the related stigmas and fears.

I almost broke down and cried when she said despite negative media coverage and monday morning quarterbacking, we mean more to most people than we'll ever know or can be thanked. I thought myself of sitting at the kitchen table, half empty bottle of whiskey, my mind wandering through the darkness.

This class was the proverbial arm on my shoulder for support that I needed, and I'm thankful for that.

God guy

The good Christian came in today to file a complaint against me.

He admits to making the statements, but it turns out, he didn't mean it. Plus, he's a good Christian.

"God will punish you"

I arrested a man in his 70's today after he threatened to get a gun and shoot someone. During questioning he admitted to making the statement, but claimed it was a joke. "Simply taken out of context," he said.

"I've never been arrested before, " he said. His rap sheet says one arrest in the 1960s.

"Oh, that was just for picking up a prostitute when I was young. That doesn't count," he said.

"I'm a good Christian. I'm on social security. I can't afford this, so it shouldn't be done to me," he said.

"This is ridiculous. YOU'RE the bad guy here. I'm a good Christian. God will punish you for this," he said.

Failure

I had an encounter go South on me today. Tried to get a burglary suspect cuffed up and it went downhill from there. The unit I was backing up on another stop was about 200 feet away and didn't get involved until I had lost control and the suspect was already fleeing down the street. This is the same officer from January 29, 2010. Go ahead and take a look at that post, I'll wait.

The officer in dispatch said it sounded like one of us got murdered from the fight being transmitted intermittently. He called the next city(who was looking for the suspect) and they sent almost every unit they had to help. Too little, too late. It was just more cops to witness my failure and embarrassment for not getting the guy. At least I got them his name and description. They're familiar with him and will pick him up eventually.

Still, I've never had one get away like that before. How depressing.

My, what big balls you have

I found out that someone that my department deals with often has made it known he wants to bludgeon one of us to death. He plans to do it while we're off duty.

Time to start being more alert. Weapons are all cleaned and oiled. I'm not looking forward to punching any one's ticket but I will if I have to.

Death

In a job where a person sees so much pain, misery, and pure evil, it is only a matter of time before they become numb to it. Only natural, if you will. It becomes less and less traumatic and more and more mundane.

Then one day, the reaper hits a little closer to home. Not too close, but close enough to really get your attention. An untimely death. I was shocked at the news, but more surprised that the veil of numbness wasn't lifted; not even a little. And while I give my honest condolences and offer my assistance, I can't help but feel like some sort of monster.

Funny, but sad

The sheer number of fucktards in this world this country my jurisdiction is giving me PTSD.

It's like a curse

I don't think that I can even come close to putting the frustration I'm feeling into words.

It's not uncommon to disagree with the way a situation was handled. After all, there's no giant cop guide book that says "If XXX, then YYY," where "X" is the crime committed and "Y" is the action taken. However, to disagree publicly, in front of the suspect while I'm trying to effect the arrest? And then to stand there with your hands in your pockets looking sad for the guy? Dude, what the fuck?

The thing that makes it sting worse is that this guy shouldn't be a cop. He doesn't have the stones or brains. He all but failed his FTO and was recommended for termination by the Sgt and a Lt, a request that fell on the Chief's deaf ears. I don't trust the guy and I can't rely on him. If push comes to shove, I'd rather have no backup than him.

I wish I could tell him: Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way. Regardless what you choose, stay out of my AO and remember I've been on the job 5 times longer than you. But alas, he's already previously filed a complaint against the shift because we all gave him the silent treatment. Guess I'll continue to bite my tongue and spit blood.

Help me to help you

Dispatch is on the air sending multiple units to what they can gather is some form of disturbance. It's difficult to understand the woman screaming bloody murder on the telephone.

Based on what the officer in dispatch is hearing, responding units are told to "step it up." Officers are racing from all over, urgently trying to get to the scene. The first unit arrives and tells other units to "slow it down." Things aren't as bad as we feared, and officers back off the throttle.

Multiple units are on scene now, and everyone else is cancelled. A female attack victim is crying, make-up streaming down her face. Her boyfriend struck her and threatened to kill her before fleeing. She doesn't have any marks on her face and can't won't remember what her boyfriend looks like. She loves him and doesn't want him arrested. She refuses to give a statement.

Officers clear to take other calls that were put on the back burner for this priority call. A priority call that the victim didn't want help with, but called 911 anyway.

If you're not interested in cooperating with us, don't call us. Deal with it yourself and stop wasting our time, there are folks out there that really do want our help.

Private eyes, are watching you

Driving an unmarked, nondescript vehicle is kind of fun. Not only do you get to see people acting the fool, but you get to enjoy that priceless look when the cops are suddenly up in their grill.

"Where'd I come from?" Magic.

She's just not that into you

There are a lot of good ways to get a woman's attention. Sending her letter after letter of pornographic stories after she makes it clear she's not interested isn't one of them. Neither is telling her you're going to chain her up in your basement and live a loving life together.

Enjoy your Christmas dinner dude. Unsure of what's being served? It's a bologna sandwich compliments of the city. Bon appétit.

Hope

I'm embarrassed to admit that this blog has become a dumping ground for all the disappointment, contempt, and hate I have for society as a whole. I pursued this career not to fight the public, but to be the rock that they went to when their whole world dropped out on them. A handful of years experience later and I feel like I lost my way, only didn't know it until recently.

Somehow I stumbled on the website Gives Me Hope. Fourteen or so pages later of reading stories of small and large acts of kindness and compassion and I was ashamed that I didn't do more things like I'd read.

I share this in hopes that 1) if you're burnt out and lost faith in the human race, it may help you too, and 2) to serve as a reminder to myself. From now on, I'm going to work to make a difference every day; small victories through small acts. I know it's no small feat, but I've got to try.

Holiday stats wrap up

• Two attempted suicides
• Two trespass/unwanted person calls
• One alcohol related call

No too bad for an 8 hour shift.

Thanks...I think

When fighting with a suspect, the last thing I ever thought I would hear after drawing blood was "Whoa, stop. Be careful. I've got Hepatitis B."