Just so we're clear

I'm not a dummy. I didn't "settle" for this job. I'm more educated than most people I deal with on a daily basis. In fact, I took part in an Ivy League University research study for children with well above average intelligence. So please, don't look down your nose at me. I chose this job.

I say that to say this - Don't lie to me. I'm going to find out and you won't like the repercussions. See, while I'm asking you questions, my mind is going a million miles a minute. Not only am I playing a game of mind chess, I'm watching your body's natural reaction to questions and answers. You don't even realize you're doing it, but you're body is telling me what I want to know. Add in the fact that I already know most of the questions I'm asking or have the ability to find the answers from a trusted source.

After all that, if you still want to play the game, by all means swing for the fences. Just know that I equate honesty and humility with leniency. Cockiness and deceit? Well just ask the guy sitting in lockup who forfeited his bosses vehicle and I assume his job not to mention his heap of legal fees.

You know, just so we're clear.

Three quick tips to save you time and money

• Braking while traveling through a stop sign doesn't constitute a stop.

• You can still get a ticket for holding your phone in your hand and talking on speaker phone. It's called "hands free device" for a reason.

• If it comes down to taking your word or the NCIC computer's word regarding your suspended license, I'm siding with the NCIC machine.

If it weren't for bad luck...

I wouldn't have any at all. At least it sure seems that way sometimes. I guess it could always be worse.

Anyway, I didn't get a chance to see Southland until well after the season premiere. It was good, but I took issue with the scene where the officer fires his weapon and the partner puts out a shots fired/officer needs assistance call. One unit responded to help them? C'mon. The only other problem I saw was the foot pursuit at the end of the episode. Why does Hollywood always have one cop run on foot while the other speeds away in the car to try to cut them off? That doesn't happen! If one cop is out running, so is the partner.

Oh, well. It's still entertaining I suppose.

Kitty kitty

Lots of people ride around with their dogs in their cars or trucks, so it's not shocking to see one during a traffic stop.

This week I came across my first cat on a traffic stop. A big black and white one. Friendly bugger too. Unlike most felines, the guy says that this one loves to go for a ride in the car. Strange.

He(and the cat) got a warning for the speeding. I got a chuckle.

Same team?

I recently got pulled over in the town where my parent live. I was in the wrong. I rolled through a stop sign without even thinking about it. It was 10pm in a very rural area. Still, I broke the law. I turned off my car, killed the radio, and turned the interior lights on. After the officer approached and asked for all my paperwork, I said "sure, documents are in the glove box and just to let you know, I'm on the job."

I handed him my license, registration, and insurance and showed him my badge. He took my wallet and looked at the ID card and badge before handing everything back to me before growling at me that I "need to stop for the stop signs."

Dude. Same team? You didn't have a pissy attitude when you approached. I didn't give you a reason to be pissy. So why the attitude now? Were you so dead set on writing a ticket and I ruined your day? If you're gonna write me, write me. I'll take my lumps; I was wrong.

I've been pulled over 4 times during my driving career. Once before I was a cop, and three while I was on the job. Twice I got attitudes from the officer, and both instances were while I've been employed as a police officer. I don't get it. I've probably stopped 6 active/retired cops in my career. Hell, one was an on duty street crimes detective from a nearby city cutting through our town who gave me kudos for noticing the plate on his undercover truck didn't belong there. All the rest got verbal warnings and a smile. I even bullshitted with them for a few minutes. No hostility, no anger.

I guess my point is - I don't get an attitude with 98% of the Joe Q. Citizens I stop, and certainly don't with officers. So, why am I getting the attitude?

I'm reminded of an old timer who retired shortly after I was hired. He told me a story of how he was stopped on the way to work, in uniform, by a young cop. The cop began berating him about how he should know better than to use his wipers without his headlights on. Finally, the old timer had enough and yelled "Listen asshole - either write me a fucking ticket or let me go. Don't you sit here and lecture me like I'm some child."

Helpful advice from Ofc Friendly

The burden of proof lies with you when it comes to motor vehicle insurance. No, I won't hold while you try to wake your insurance agent up. I don't want to talk to them. I want to see the document here, in my hand.

PS - The basis for a "false arrest" doesn't include you disagreeing with the charge. Screaming it at the top of your lungs isn't going to spook me and cause me to run away.

Whose problem is it really?

I stopped a car last night, partly out of boredom, but mostly because this lady decided to ignore a stop sign right in front of me.

Before I could say a thing after my approach, she says "What's your problem?" You have to read that with the emphasis on "your."

My problem? I don't have a problem. You're the one who now has to either pay a fine or take time out of your day to appear in court. Seems to me, you've got the problem; and all because you felt like writing checks with you big mouth.

Me? I'm all smiles.

Back seat driver

I've been pretty honest in the past when I've talked about how for the most part, I let a driver's attitude dictate their punishment on traffic stops. This memorandum serves to notify you I that the attitudes of your passengers may now dictate your punishment.

Last week I stopped a mother and daughter duo for driving the wrong way on a one way street. The driver (daughter) was polite, answered my questions, and asked my permission to get out of the car to retrieve her purse from the trunk. The passenger (mother) was a bitch on wheels. Snide remark after snide remark was sent my way as I conversed with her daughter. They went ignored, but not unnoticed.

The daughter was from out of state and unfamiliar with the area. I took that and her cooperative attitude into consideration and opted for a written warning and an offer for directions. This wasn't acceptable to mom.

"Officer! My daughter just flew in today. She doesn't know the area. I received bad news today and I don't have the patience for this. This is ridiculous!"

"Lady, one-way signs look the same in Florida as they do here. I know. I've been to Florida. Receiving bad news does not give you a free pass to disobey motor vehicle law. Regardless, your daughter got a warn..."

"Don't you have anything better to do?"

"You're right. (To the daughter) Go ahead and give me that warning back. I'll issue you some tickets instead."

"Mom, shut up already! Jesus Christ!"

"(To the mother)Are you done?"

I took the fact that she wouldn't make eye contact with me to mean she was finished. I gave the directions to the daughter to get her back on track and cleared.

Drivers - I'm making it your responsibility to tell your passengers to keep their mouths shut. The faster I can get my questions answered, the faster I can get your information, the faster I can decide my action, and the faster you are back on the road. Trust me, you will not offend nor hurt my feelings by looking at a passenger and telling them to "Shut the fuck up." In fact, I'll probably respect you more for it.

Passengers - Your driver may put up with your bullshit backseat driving on the the road, but I will not have you interfering in my traffic stop or investigation. You've been warned.

Big brother is watching

Here's a helpful hint:

When talking smack and laughing about the reasons you got pulled over, make sure the backup officer(me) isn't standing nearby in the dark watching and listening.

Talk about a 180 degree attitude adjustment when you get hammered for every little thing instead of the warning you were going to get. It's not so funny anymore, eh?

Partners

"Aw, aren't you a little sweetheart."

That was what my beat partner said after I walked away from a traffic stop he was backing me up on. I had just released a guy(after telling him to pull his head out of his ass) with verbal warnings for operating in the wrong direction on a one-way street, failure to stop at a stop sign, failure to yield to the right for emergency traffic, and failure to illuminate headlamps while using wipers.

My partner made a kissy face to me before smacking his lips a few times.

"Suck my fucking ballbag, you jizz mop" I replied.

"You wish you had these beautiful lips on those tiny nuts."

"Thanks for the back-up, Pat" I said as I reached my car.

"You bet" he replied as he continued to his vehicle. We certainly are a dysfunctional bunch.

Doctor Mario Andretti

I couldn't help but be a little irritated when I approached the driver's side window of the Nissan and was greeted with "Yeah?!?" as if to say "Why are you bothering me dickhead?"

The fact of the matter is the only reason I'm "bothering" this driver is the fact that he nearly hit me head on after crossing the yellow line. As I veered to the shoulder to avoid a collision, I saw a man dressed in scrubs talking on his cell phone. I activated my lights, pulled a U-turn, and accelerated in an attempt to catch the Nissan, which was pulling away.

With the siren wailing, I called in my location and status and squinted to read the license plate. As I caught up to vehicle, it finally yielded and stopped. The driver identified himself as a doctor on his way to the hospital for an emergency surgery. He was upset when despite his excuse, I still demanded to see his license, registration, and insurance. Dr. Mario Andretti couldn't produce an up to date insurance card.

Once back in my car, I ran his license and asked dispatch to call the hospital and verify Dr. Andretti's story. The hospital was able to verify the story quickly and I returned the documents before warning the doctor for failing to maintain lane, speeding, distracted driving, and failure to carry insurance.

Wouldn't you guess the doctor later filed a complaint against me for holding him up. Although the administration agreed I hadn't done anything wrong, they still suggested that I offer the doctor an apology. I declined.

This is what America has become. Everyone is so afraid of litigation that the offender breaks the law and the police apologize for catching him. Pardon me while I puke.

A few tips for drivers

1) High beams don't work in fog. The water vapor in the air reflects the light back at you, making it even MORE difficult to see than just using your headlights.

2) Speaking of high beams, it is against the law to not dim them when traffic is approaching from the opposite direction.

3) Finally, if, when walking out of your house, you notice the pavement is slippery, but don't see any ice buildup, it is safe to assume that the same black ice is present on the roadway. You deserve to roll your car if you're driving 15 mph over the speed limit in black ice conditions. Hopefully, you won't take out any innocent people who do recognize the danger and are driving carefully.

Anunciate!

I only did traffic stops last night. Everyone got breaks in the form of citations for the lowest fines, warnings for the rest and in some cases, just warnings. What can I say, I was feeling generous.

Senior Rodrigo

I caught another illegal alien. This makes it six or seven total, and all but one were resulting from traffic stops. This one tried to pass off the old International Driver's License scam. Sorry bud, I'm wise to that.

A few tickets and one towed car later the guy was walking back to his "residence" which I think was only about twelve or so miles away. His information was forwarded to ICE. They always thank us and say they'll be following up on it, but who knows if that's the truth.